Friday, March 30, 2012

Television and the Art of Early Childhood Impressions

Man, have I watched a lot of TV in my life. Oh sure, because of that, I now make an okay living in the industry itself, but, looking back at my childhood it sometimes staggers me how much potential brain power I wasted downloading into my spongy young mind useless bits of Americana. For whatever reason, a great deal of that memory is loaded up with late 70's and early 80's commercials. While I realize this exercise is not by any means original, now, today, because of the magic of the Internet, I can spit out all of these memories from the deepest depths of my early childhood all over this blog.

Let's begin with a little ad put out by the U.S. Department of Ag. geared towards children for consuming dairy. After viewing this again for the first time in decades, I'm guessing it was the catchy tune, and not the crappy-looking,  wanna-be-muppets that kept this sucker stuck in my brain for over 30 years.



Wow, see, play that a few more times and it too will be stuck in your head for the next half century.

 Okay, so, moving on, the next couple are actually pretty famous and I'm sure most people born between 1970 and 1980 are going to remember these. The camp value alone here is off the charts. This first one put out by the ABC Television Network ran for years on Saturday mornings and it preached to kids not to 'drown their food.' A lesson to those who know me well I have certainly taken to heart as an adult.


I take this lesson with me every time I go to Chipotle and order up a steak burrito with extra rice, steak, and just a little bit of cheese. Sure, I get looks from the staff who just assume I'm some bland-tasting gringo, but, to them and everyone else who thinks salsa, sour cream, and guacamole are fine toppings listen to the damn lifeguard and don't drown your food!

Turns out I'm not the weird one after all.

Here's another one from ABC that I have actually quoted during business meetings...


Nothing will get a grin from your co-workers faster than proclaiming when an 11am meeting is running long that "I'm so hungry, I can eat a wagon wheel."
Yeah, I keep 'em stitches.

Well you'd think with all these dietary PSAs rattling around in my skull for over three decades I'd have turned out to be a great eater - wrong! Unfortunately, the junk food pay ads were far more convincing.


Did you see that cowboy?! Now there's a real man! You see, my Dad worked a lot when I was kid, so I don't remember him much before the age of twelve, but this rootin', tootin', bad-ass-son-of-bitch, I remember like it was yesterday. Yep who needs Dads with male role models like the Hubba Bubba Cowboy.

Speaking of cowboys...


This commercial came out when I was a little older, according to YouTube right around 1985, which would have made me ten. That seems about right, considering that when I first saw it I thought those kids where a bunch of dip-shits. Everyone knows that the cream filling is pumped into those delicious turd-shaped cakes via those amazing three orifices  a long the cake's underside - mental imagery that would serve me well when I lost my virginity some years later.

Okay, believe it or not, I actually spent a lot more time as kid watching PBS especially when I was very young.



I don't know why, but that simple jingle is one of the most comforting chimes. I hear it, and I feel like I am being wrapped up in a blanket and held by my mother. To me, it might be the closest thing to being back in the womb. I can close my eyes and still see the darkening basement of my parent's house in Great Falls, Montana, with its dark wood paneling as the sun would fall fast in the late-afternoon winter sky, and I would be washed over by the warm soothing glow of Mr. Roger's Neighborhood.

Then of course there's this... And, like this needs any introduction.


 I do remember thinking that the kid screaming "Wampa!" was probably in special classes at school. That said, the ad gurus at Kenner sure knew how to peddle their plastic crack. So much so I'm still hooked. Not to worry my wife thinks a man with Star Wars dolls is totally hot.